SCARED

it’s that Sudden Shiver
that Starts in my heart
Shoots out into my Stomach and arms
then Slowly Sinks to my toes
Seeping like poison to my fingertips
as i Shake it Stops

giving way to what feels like emptiness

all that’s left is Cold
Contempt rising in me
from my lack of Caution
for not Creating enough barricades
to Callus my heart enough
to keep me from Cracking up

because feeling like this is the last thing i want

i Already know what happens next
no Alibi can keep me from heartbreak
it’s Ache beginning to fill me
like All my previous misgivings
like every person telling me Allegedly
that hope is easily Available

none of what they say is believable

because i know that Redemption Rarely comes
for the Reclusive and lonely
i’ve spent my life Reaching for it
only to be sent Reeling back into solitude
my Reaction to let everything overwhelm me
Readily accepting my Resigned luck

it’s only a matter of time before i give this up

as Eclipsing as an Ending
that Encompasses Everything imaginable
leaving nothing of my Emotions
the remaining only an Etching
of an Existence that’s clutching
to the last of it’s Expectations

i’m beginning to let the poison take

Devoid of what i thought important
my mind Desperate for rest
from Dealing with all my messes
and Drudging through all my mistakes
Disgusted by my own thoughts
yet willing to let them Deceive me

it’s no wonder I’m scared to let myself love

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Low Expectations

I’ve fought for a lot of things
Things I’m proud of
Things I’m not
I’ve let go of a lot
And held onto so much more
Somehow I’ve kept myself afloat this long
Only to find that there’s more to want

In hearing your heart beat
Feeling your chest rise and fall
Your breath so close in time to mine
Being held without fear of what comes next
My thoughts fall silent for the first time
As if life’s rhythm has found it’s rhyme
A piece I never thought was missing

Something else to fight for
Something else to hold on to
Something else to want
Something else to disappoint me

Little Renegade

So here is an updated version of “Little Renegade.” Initially I felt like it wasn’t finished but I posted it anyway. Today I felt like I had found the missing pieces of it. So here it is!

Insatiable Insomniac

So here is my latest. Again something a bit different. Enjoy:)

You’re tired of running little renegade
You’ve been pushed to the brink of sanity
You’re tired of crying little renegade
You’ve been prodded to the breaking point
Past everything you thought might shatter you

You’ve only known a world in constant shift
You’re a wanderer, a dreamer, a brash heart
You keep peace inside yourself on brighter days
And wale, face upturned towards dark skies on the rest

Like the rolling in of thunder clouds
And the static in the air just before a storm
I’ve watched your life little renegade
Tumultuous and jaded more than most
I’ve seen your soul unleashed little renegade
Though you think you’ve kept it reined in close
As close as lightning strikes searing it’s target to the core

You push yourself harder when you feel alone
Energy as shocking as electricity behind your…

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Dust

When I become what’s expected
My hinges will finally rust
My bones will settle and learn no more
Conformity comes before trust

For myself I found, seemingly with ease, I was wrong
I tried too long to live like wind
Wild and howling, refusing ruin

When really I’m the dust
Billowing and being blown about
No choice or call in the matter
And settling where I’m dropped
Swept up and minuscule

I follow rules set in stone
Like commandments meant only for peace
The basis of the fault in views instead
Words twisted and poisoned intentionally
No fault of the maker but of the made

The inequity of having a soul is that we are selfish
Selflessness a trait that must be mastered
However none bother with a thing so delicate
We fill the cracks and crevices instead
Jump when we are told to
And are satisfied with out an end

And so I’ll choose to satiate
The rudimentary cause of violence
Still and fragmented
A languid death
A requiem for silence.

Inspiration

After a rather longer than intended nap I’m up late again conjuring my restlessness into words. Here’s a new one. I didn’t really want to post it so soon but I might as well. Enjoy!:)

Inspiration

It’s the subject that matters
The viscous fibres that connect all things
The immaterial thought

When found its undeniable
It’s the art that isn’t shared
The things created that go un-praised
What lies beneath the surface

A pulse, invisible, life
Only One can understand It

It does not beg attention
Happily It sits lit secondary
To It’s inordinate surroundings
The backdrop not the forefront
The corps of dancers not the principle
The clouds and stars
Not the moon or the sun
The wind not the hurricane

It boils down to necessity
The base, the Beginning
The End in ways

It’s the platform
The springboard that hurls
The amnesic artist into productivity

Pastel Dreams

There are days as bleak
And black as night
And evenings that I remember
Pastel painted sunset skies
Will lead slowly to the next sunrise
All I have to do is hold tight
And watch the fading colours give way
To gentle glittering dreams
Of better brighter things

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My latest little scribbling. Enjoy:)

Let Me In

You tell me one thing
But your words betray you.
My head is spinning,
I’d rather hear the truth.
I’d rather know what your heart is saying.
I need to know,
Because mine is aching.

I know Nothing’s easy or simple.
It’s not like I expect it all
To fall neatly into place.
I don’t expect anything actually
Because I can’t.
I can’t expect my words to help you,
I can’t expect an answer from you.

But trust me to know
What I am feeling.
Trust me to know
What I can deal with.
Trust me to know
That our worlds won’t crumble
If you let me in.

Afraid To Tell You…

Alrighty. Normally I wait a fair bit of time between posts or I procrastinate and don’t get anything finished for several weeks. But two posts in two days!!! Yippee!!! I’ve been having a bit of writers block lately and everything that’s been posted has been laborious, still good, but hard to get out. This just wrote itself because I decided feeling the way I do right now is perfectly alright and writing something sappy about it is too! So without further a do…

Afraid To Tell You

You leave me seeing spots
Like the kind of blurry star scape
That you see after rubbing your eyes for too long
I’m left dumfounded
Half blinded and nauseated
From the falling and rising
Butterflies working their way up
From my stomach to my mind
Making sure they stop awhile in my throat
To help me choke on my words
I’m unable to contemplate or communicate
Let alone compensate for
My momentary lapse in mental capability
I’ve never before experienced
This type of overwhelming inability
To express my emotions
Generally I’m reserved
Even a bit introverted
But I’ve always been able
To speak my mind and
Let my inner thoughts fly free
Forming whatever I need to say
But with you I just sit here
Conversation seemingly flowing easily
But my confidence thrown back to middle school
Unable to say exactly what I want to
Tongue tied, bleary eyed
A slightly foggy mind
Thinking about your smile
All the while afraid to tell you…