Panic Attack

Panic Attack

Hollow bones
Shake and shiver
And ring with truths
That I can’t decide
Weather to share or hide
Or remind myself
That they are mine

I can’t trust
What’s my own
I can’t trust words
Because I’m well
Practiced at lying
Even to myself
Best to myself

I can’t trust a smile
Because they fain
Madness on my face
And laughter leads
To tears I don’t
Want to know
Because of fear

I can’t trust
Even a heartbeat
Because in my heart
My body is
Breaking down
In my heart
My blood isn’t circulating

It’s clogging arteries
And working with
My lungs to make
It hard to breath
Causing spots
Over my vision
To blind me

All because my mind
Decides to run away with me

You have to understand….

You have to understand that bad habits formed out of self hatred don’t need to be reprimanded. They need to be healed, just like physical wounds. So they only take care and time. You have to have a soft touch with these, as with the person who does not know how to love themselves. Be gentle. No matter how hard they come back at you. Show them patience even if it’s difficult for you to do. And help them see clearly the beauty that’s around them and in them. Despite wounds. Despite scars. Despite everything.

Sprouts and Fire

So here’s a newish poem. I’m still gonna post some already finished stuff for the next couple weeks because I’m tired. I’ll try to keep up my one new piece a week thing more into spring. This one came from a writing prompt as so much of my stuff has lately. It started as something I didn’t really like and turned into one of my new favourites. Hope you enjoy:)

Sprouts and Fire

Windswept thoughts
Whipping through valleys
Overlooking spring bloomed ideas
Washed clean with mountain water

Breaking down old fears
Raking up dead flowers
From past heartaches
And misadventures

Clearing old beds out
To make room for new seeds
That carry prospects
Of happier things

Into cool March mornings
Leading into April rain afternoons
Slowly slipping past May twilights
Into the the warm nights of June

Growth is beginning to sprout feelings
Ready for the last seasons to blend
And bring fruit to bare
But Summer comes with heat

Carrying destruction
Fires spark quickly
Burning Spring’s hard work
Leaving Fall gripping sadness

Black ashes and dried promises
Choking out hope
But Winter’s frost has plans
To lay cool blankets over the burns

And thaw when they’re healed
Dripping away the last of the soot
Leaving new clean beds for seeds
To sprout and grow love again

Overcoming Thoughts

Life hasn’t exactly been easy for me lately. So I’d like to take the opportunity to post what is kind of a motivational speech I wrote to myself. After several days of arguing with myself, trying to write something new and criticizing all my work harshly I found this uh, spoken word, motivational thing I wrote several months ago. It starts out as a bit of an inner monologue/explanation of my thought process and then moves into the motivational speech thing. I haven’t edited it a whole lot, it’s a bit of a rough draft, but I feel like it’s better that way. Now before I can overthink myself out of posting it (because it seems all too apropos to my current situation) here it is! As always I hope you enjoy:)

Overcoming Thoughts

To get through something like my mind there has to be a lightning strike. It has to ignite me to the point of searing all my self-hatred. As if my inspirations haven’t already compromised my being in ways I can’t explain. Accentuating all my insecurities, because enough of me is never enough to compensate for what’s expected.

My thoughts become insidious. Walking out of the house is like facing my worst fear. And allowing the distorted images of myself control over my posture and presence is all too easy. It’s a death sentence self imposed. Purposefully injected with just enough face saving incompetence to keep me believing that I’m authentic. When it’s only my irrational misconceptions, professionally misconstrued by perfectly practiced self-prejudice.

I’ve heard that treating myself this way is too harsh. But introspection leaves me screaming that vehemence is needed. Because gentle honesty isn’t enough to drive passion. It’s insufficient, practically just pretending that it’s true. Sometimes everything needs to be blatant. Living life so on the bright side is too hard a payment to make when no amount of restitution can heal voluntary wounds…

But, realizing that life is aligned just so. Set to the ideal plan, and it isn’t meant to be clear. Feeling like it should come with a caution sign, “Control isn’t warranted.” It was never a guarantee. For that matter neither was anything else.

So being again.

Remember, living life isn’t a math equation, two negatives won’t make a positive. When something bad happens don’t add to it by degrading yourself. I’ve heard far too often, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I really think it ought to be, “what doesn’t make you bitter makes you better.” Because the difficult thing in life isn’t living happily it’s overcoming the fear and impatience that stand in the way of happiness. And getting rid of the image of “what life should be” that makes it impossible to be content. The idea that there is a certain way to live, a certain amount of achievements you must reach, money you must make, amount of times that is acceptable to fail is the biggest lie of all. Throw it out a window, set fire to it, then take the ashes and hold them to the wind, and forget it as soon as they’re out of sight.

It isn’t a matter of surviving without getting hurt. Or coming out in the end with thicker skin or a sharper sense of wit. It’s about learning from your mistakes. No matter how many mistakes it takes you to actually learn. And it’s about letting go of regrets, growing up and not worrying how many times you fall down along the way. Because if you keep looking back when you’re trying to move forward you are bound to trip up. So keep your chin up, eyes forward and move on even if, at times, that means crawling. Drop fear like the dead weight it is and walk tall. Knowing that it’s not all sweet, a grain of salt is necessary but at the same time a smile isn’t a sin.

And remember that if you’re looking at the past with anything but nostalgia, you’re looking at it wrong. You should turn back around. Look towards where you’re headed, because the horizon is always a better view than the dirt road you’ve been walking on to get there.

Everything Will Be Ok

This a new poem that came from a writing prompt. The prompt was to use the following structure; imagined future, flash back, present. So I just made up a whole story with a background to the characters and all. This is the result. I hope you all enjoy:)

Everything Will Be Ok

There will be near perfection
I’ve always told myself this
Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING
Will work out for the very best
A perfect house with a white picket fence
In a perfect city, with a perfect husband
And a perfect cat and kids
There will be some rough patches,
Because in life there always is
We’re only human I’ll say
When problems come to call,
But we’ll fix them like everything else
You’ll never be able to tell
That we were ever broken at all
There will be no evidence of…

The bruises he left that stung as I opened my eyes
To dried tears and disdain,
My lack of cognitive thoughts by 4pm everyday
The only cohesive thing in my mind
Was how to make the perfect vodka soda,
Shaken and neat,
Half soda,
Two shots vodka,
One lemon wedge,
Six per day to keep me alive until he came home
Flowers in hand, an apology on the tip of his forked tongue
My heartbeat stopping when his hand would touch my waist
And I would tell myself everything would turn out great…

I shake off the daydreams and nightmares,
As I look down at my notebook and pen
I scribble down just one sentence;
I am ok.

Constellations and Meteor Showers

New poem, enjoy!

Constellations and Meteor Showers

I’ve been so stretched out by other people
That I’m a constellation
My points are all visible
You can map them if you want to
But I’m too far away to touch
And so deep in space that I’m burning blue from the cold
The heat and spark that once lit me
Have become memories seemingly from centuries past
My present a collapsed cloud of dust blown up by empty dreams
Compressed until they glow with a splendour they never reached
Loosing inside me tremors that run too deep
Threatening to break what’s already barely holding me together
And forcing me to realize I’m the only reason I’ve travelled so far
And missed any opportunities to feel warm again
Suddenly my future is calling
Morphing me into something that’s moving me closer
To every reason I used to justify running away
Now I’m racing with no apprehensions
Trails of flame lighting what I leave behind
I’m falling forward instead of down
Following a meteor shower
And the stars seeing new hope are falling with me

Alphabetical Advice aka Unexpected Resolutions

So a few friends and I always do writing prompts together to keep our skills sharp and develop new ones. Just a couple days ago we did one called “Alphabetical Advice.” Basically you just write a list of advice of any kind. Each piece of advice should start with a letter of the alphabet a then b then c and so on. We decided to do every letter. It turned out to be rather self reflective as well as a good test of vocabulary. And my list struck me as rather good to look at when I’m feeling down. So in the spirit of a new year, a fresh notebook and high hopes here is my Alphabetical Advice aka

Unexpected Resolutions

Acknowledge your heartbeat, it’s a sign that you’re alive.
Breath deeply when you’re tired, it’ll wake you up.
Count backwards from 100 when you’re angry, it’ll calm you down.
Don’t let your head take over by thinking too much when you feel that something’s right in your gut.
Embrace you mistakes, they’re a part of your flaws which make you beautiful.
Forget your regrets, they will only weigh you down when you need to fly.
Give whenever you get the chance, it feels better than getting.
Hold a friend when they’re sad, or an enemy, hold ANYONE when they’re sad.
Invite everyone you meet to get close to you, don’t be afraid of intimacy.
Just remember that your soul knows a bit better than your worries so follow it.
Kiss whomever you dare too, you won’t regret being brave.
Let love in without the fears you cling to.
Make even more mistakes than you have in the past because you’ll learn from them and learning’s good.
Never, Never, NEVER regret anything, I can’t stress that point enough.
Open up to those who stay close to you, honesty is freeing.
Pick fresh flowers for your desk whenever you get the chance.
Quote your favourite authors in everyday conversations.
Rest when you know you need to, you’ll thank yourself later when you don’t burn out.
Swing on a swing set every time you walk by one, ESPECIALLY if it’s been a bad day.
Take time to be thankful and appreciate nature.
Unwrap all the secrets you’ve hidden, like I said before honesty is freeing.
Verify all your sources when doing research.
Wake up before your alarm rings, your whole day will feel better because of it.
Xerotic is a fancy way of saying your skin’s too dry, stay hydrated so you don’t have to sound precocious saying that word.
Yearning for something, daydreaming distractedly about it, is not wrong so don’t beat yourself up over it.
Lastly,
Zeal is the key to success, put 150% into everything that you do.

Hello again, here’s a story….

So before you dive in to the first bit of a story that’s emerging slowly in my notebooks, I’d like to say hi! I’m going to start posting again. I can’t promise I won’t stop again. But for the next few weeks I’m going to try to look past other stuff and post once a week, since its a new year and this seems my only viable resolution. Even though it more than likely won’t be seen through.

I probably won’t post a lot of my prose as I am very self conscious of them still. So I guarantee a lot of my new poems. I do however want to test some stories, or parts of stories anyway, on other people so I chose the first page of the only story I haven’t given up on writing at the moment. I would love any feedback fellow writers wish to give! And I hope you all enjoy.

A bad morning…

Closed eyes and light seeping through my eyelids are the first things that I’m aware of. I groan and roll over in my bed, half a dozen pillows fall to the floor as I do. I cough wincing at the pain in my chest and remember that I’m still struggling with the leftovers of a bad cold. I hate waking up on any day. But waking up sick is the epitome of this hatred.

My mouth feels like it’s filled with glue and cotton as I close it and try to swallow past the desert that formed in my throat overnight. My eyes are still closed so I sit up slowly and pry them open. I feel half groggy and high as I rub my eyes and shake my head. Dizziness hits me like an unforgiving enemy and I flop my face into a pillow for a few moments to drive it away. I stand up and my clammy feet hit the cold tile of my bedroom floor and I groan again as I scan the room for my slippers.

I can’t find them among the mess of empty tissue boxes, papers, notebooks and dirty laundry. I sigh and think for a second about cleaning up a bit. I decide to do it when I’m entirely better. I walk in a daze down the hallway to the bathroom where I shut the door and start the shower at its hottest. I don’t turn on the fan wanting as much steam as possible to soothe my dry throat and sore nose.

As the water heats up I undress, climbed in, and put my back to the hot blast of the shower head. I feel all my muscles relax and I breath in the muggy air. The fog of sleep starts to lift from my mind as I begin to think of what’s ahead of me in the day. I don’t have to go to my day job. But I should work on some writing. If I want to get anywhere with it I can’t take days off from it like I do from the rest of the world. The thought of what lies outside the front door opens a floodgate and my hands clutch to my stomach as I become aware of feeling nauseous and all my muscles tense up again. I remember what else I have to do today.

Alice

 

My scalp is itching like an infestation of infatuation that is too much to contain
Like the blood flowing through my veins is boiling over and about to reach a breaking point that I can’t restrain
It’s in moments like this that for once having ignorance would actually be bliss
But unfortunately I learn too fast to have that luxury as an option
Yet because of my disastrous stride so many life lessons just get carelessly tossed aside
Never again to cross my mind, even as so much as a footnote
No, my life is more like slamming nails solidly into a coffin before there’s even a body in it
It’s like jumping down a rabbit hole not knowing what’s going to happen next
But willingly accepting the food and drink when you arrive at the bottom because the instructions make sense
Then standing there happily amongst the madness, as thoughts float past my peripheral consciousness and I only choose time to abide a few
There I find the ringing in my ears
Somewhere in the back alleyways of my neural pathways lingers the derivative trail that lead me to this
Remembering every minor detail makes for a hard hit
Like, how can I even begin to feel like I’ve lived when, fate granted, there’s so much more living to do
Yet consistently I find myself unsatisfied and just admitting that could shatter me like faulted glass
Finding that I am unable to commit to anything that might give me peace
As reality sets in and the deafening staccato of my pulse subsides only to the ringing in my ears and a sharp intake of air
Slowly I slip into those bedraggled alleyways willing diving after my own white rabbit
And I indulge in all that I should ignore
Sometimes it’s just simpler to resign to numbing myself and running as fast as I can towards the unknown instead of doing what makes sense
Slowing down and actually living, instead of slipping past afraid of consequence, actually learning
And setting down roots, learning like a tree, reaching for all the sunken un-glorified grit grounded around the warren
Instead of losing myself in it, finding the history of it
The real wisdom that lies not in the finessed final structure, but in the rough draft of the supports
Not in the uplifting or the appealing artistry, but in the dejected ignorance we have in making all the details we disapprove of disappear
Into this I finally clumsily crash
My skin flaking away leaving rounded scars because it can’t stretch enough to take the stress
I let the numbness recede to sweet pain that ultimately ebbs the ringing in my ears and keeps me here a little longer
If only for me to come to realize that Alice did not take a nice trip to wonderland
She voluntarily dove head first into hell

So viola!!! My first poem with accompanying audio! I hope you all enjoy it!

Yesterday

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how often I live in retrospect instead of in the moment. Not that it’s a bad thing. Because to write and write well you often have to go back into a lot of things. Over and over again you have to remember feelings both terrible and elating in order to put voice into your work. And that’s good but for some it can also be stunting in that we stay there too long because it’s easy to do.

I think most writers I know will agree with me in that we spend A LOT of time in our own heads. It’s necessary to our craft. And for the most part it’s fine. Except when you’ve worked hard to get over things and just thinking about them to write an eloquent poem can leave you stuck in mood. It’s hard to separate from the past, especially when it’s easier to remember the bad things in it over the good things.

To say it’s our experiences that make us who we are. That hardships only make us stronger and wiser in the end, is true. But trauma is a real thing, and the human mind is far from simple. Quite a lot of people can nestle into that trauma and stay a while. And it’s hard, VERY hard, to get yourself out of it some days. And some days writing helps, others it does just the opposite and perpetuates that horrid mindset.

Lately that’s where I’ve been. In that dark, dank, unlovely corner of my mind. I really don’t like it there. But sometimes visiting it is almost comfortable. And lately writing certainly hasn’t helped. So I’m putting my foot down today and letting go of some things. I’m done with hiding in the past for awhile. It may mean a few less new poems for the near future. But that’ll give me time to make videos of some already written ones.
And to make some good art in other ways. So that’s that for now. Rant over and here’s a short poem to sum it up if you didn’t want to bother to read all that preceded it. Cheers.

Yesterday

There’s a danger in this
In putting myself in the past again
Sinking into my memories
Even for a second
To find the right way to describe them
But for a mind on the borderline
Just pausing a moment too long
May rip up my vital signs
Leaving me flatlined
Skulking in the back logged feelings
I’m supposed to have moved on from
It’s almost toxic and alluring
Not that it’s enjoyable
But that’s the underlying potential
To lay back into the arms
Of something I know
Of something that’s sickening but comfortable
What it leads to though may stop me
A self destruction of all my hard work
To remember to smile and laugh
To move on and grow
To live in the moment
And let myself enjoy it
To not sit languishing in the past
Even if it only happened yesterday