Panic Attack

Panic Attack

Hollow bones
Shake and shiver
And ring with truths
That I can’t decide
Weather to share or hide
Or remind myself
That they are mine

I can’t trust
What’s my own
I can’t trust words
Because I’m well
Practiced at lying
Even to myself
Best to myself

I can’t trust a smile
Because they fain
Madness on my face
And laughter leads
To tears I don’t
Want to know
Because of fear

I can’t trust
Even a heartbeat
Because in my heart
My body is
Breaking down
In my heart
My blood isn’t circulating

It’s clogging arteries
And working with
My lungs to make
It hard to breath
Causing spots
Over my vision
To blind me

All because my mind
Decides to run away with me

You have to understand….

You have to understand that bad habits formed out of self hatred don’t need to be reprimanded. They need to be healed, just like physical wounds. So they only take care and time. You have to have a soft touch with these, as with the person who does not know how to love themselves. Be gentle. No matter how hard they come back at you. Show them patience even if it’s difficult for you to do. And help them see clearly the beauty that’s around them and in them. Despite wounds. Despite scars. Despite everything.

Sprouts and Fire

So here’s a newish poem. I’m still gonna post some already finished stuff for the next couple weeks because I’m tired. I’ll try to keep up my one new piece a week thing more into spring. This one came from a writing prompt as so much of my stuff has lately. It started as something I didn’t really like and turned into one of my new favourites. Hope you enjoy:)

Sprouts and Fire

Windswept thoughts
Whipping through valleys
Overlooking spring bloomed ideas
Washed clean with mountain water

Breaking down old fears
Raking up dead flowers
From past heartaches
And misadventures

Clearing old beds out
To make room for new seeds
That carry prospects
Of happier things

Into cool March mornings
Leading into April rain afternoons
Slowly slipping past May twilights
Into the the warm nights of June

Growth is beginning to sprout feelings
Ready for the last seasons to blend
And bring fruit to bare
But Summer comes with heat

Carrying destruction
Fires spark quickly
Burning Spring’s hard work
Leaving Fall gripping sadness

Black ashes and dried promises
Choking out hope
But Winter’s frost has plans
To lay cool blankets over the burns

And thaw when they’re healed
Dripping away the last of the soot
Leaving new clean beds for seeds
To sprout and grow love again

Overcoming Thoughts

Life hasn’t exactly been easy for me lately. So I’d like to take the opportunity to post what is kind of a motivational speech I wrote to myself. After several days of arguing with myself, trying to write something new and criticizing all my work harshly I found this uh, spoken word, motivational thing I wrote several months ago. It starts out as a bit of an inner monologue/explanation of my thought process and then moves into the motivational speech thing. I haven’t edited it a whole lot, it’s a bit of a rough draft, but I feel like it’s better that way. Now before I can overthink myself out of posting it (because it seems all too apropos to my current situation) here it is! As always I hope you enjoy:)

Overcoming Thoughts

To get through something like my mind there has to be a lightning strike. It has to ignite me to the point of searing all my self-hatred. As if my inspirations haven’t already compromised my being in ways I can’t explain. Accentuating all my insecurities, because enough of me is never enough to compensate for what’s expected.

My thoughts become insidious. Walking out of the house is like facing my worst fear. And allowing the distorted images of myself control over my posture and presence is all too easy. It’s a death sentence self imposed. Purposefully injected with just enough face saving incompetence to keep me believing that I’m authentic. When it’s only my irrational misconceptions, professionally misconstrued by perfectly practiced self-prejudice.

I’ve heard that treating myself this way is too harsh. But introspection leaves me screaming that vehemence is needed. Because gentle honesty isn’t enough to drive passion. It’s insufficient, practically just pretending that it’s true. Sometimes everything needs to be blatant. Living life so on the bright side is too hard a payment to make when no amount of restitution can heal voluntary wounds…

But, realizing that life is aligned just so. Set to the ideal plan, and it isn’t meant to be clear. Feeling like it should come with a caution sign, “Control isn’t warranted.” It was never a guarantee. For that matter neither was anything else.

So being again.

Remember, living life isn’t a math equation, two negatives won’t make a positive. When something bad happens don’t add to it by degrading yourself. I’ve heard far too often, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I really think it ought to be, “what doesn’t make you bitter makes you better.” Because the difficult thing in life isn’t living happily it’s overcoming the fear and impatience that stand in the way of happiness. And getting rid of the image of “what life should be” that makes it impossible to be content. The idea that there is a certain way to live, a certain amount of achievements you must reach, money you must make, amount of times that is acceptable to fail is the biggest lie of all. Throw it out a window, set fire to it, then take the ashes and hold them to the wind, and forget it as soon as they’re out of sight.

It isn’t a matter of surviving without getting hurt. Or coming out in the end with thicker skin or a sharper sense of wit. It’s about learning from your mistakes. No matter how many mistakes it takes you to actually learn. And it’s about letting go of regrets, growing up and not worrying how many times you fall down along the way. Because if you keep looking back when you’re trying to move forward you are bound to trip up. So keep your chin up, eyes forward and move on even if, at times, that means crawling. Drop fear like the dead weight it is and walk tall. Knowing that it’s not all sweet, a grain of salt is necessary but at the same time a smile isn’t a sin.

And remember that if you’re looking at the past with anything but nostalgia, you’re looking at it wrong. You should turn back around. Look towards where you’re headed, because the horizon is always a better view than the dirt road you’ve been walking on to get there.