SCARED

it’s that Sudden Shiver
that Starts in my heart
Shoots out into my Stomach and arms
then Slowly Sinks to my toes
Seeping like poison to my fingertips
as i Shake it Stops

giving way to what feels like emptiness

all that’s left is Cold
Contempt rising in me
from my lack of Caution
for not Creating enough barricades
to Callus my heart enough
to keep me from Cracking up

because feeling like this is the last thing i want

i Already know what happens next
no Alibi can keep me from heartbreak
it’s Ache beginning to fill me
like All my previous misgivings
like every person telling me Allegedly
that hope is easily Available

none of what they say is believable

because i know that Redemption Rarely comes
for the Reclusive and lonely
i’ve spent my life Reaching for it
only to be sent Reeling back into solitude
my Reaction to let everything overwhelm me
Readily accepting my Resigned luck

it’s only a matter of time before i give this up

as Eclipsing as an Ending
that Encompasses Everything imaginable
leaving nothing of my Emotions
the remaining only an Etching
of an Existence that’s clutching
to the last of it’s Expectations

i’m beginning to let the poison take

Devoid of what i thought important
my mind Desperate for rest
from Dealing with all my messes
and Drudging through all my mistakes
Disgusted by my own thoughts
yet willing to let them Deceive me

it’s no wonder I’m scared to let myself love

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