Alice

 

My scalp is itching like an infestation of infatuation that is too much to contain
Like the blood flowing through my veins is boiling over and about to reach a breaking point that I can’t restrain
It’s in moments like this that for once having ignorance would actually be bliss
But unfortunately I learn too fast to have that luxury as an option
Yet because of my disastrous stride so many life lessons just get carelessly tossed aside
Never again to cross my mind, even as so much as a footnote
No, my life is more like slamming nails solidly into a coffin before there’s even a body in it
It’s like jumping down a rabbit hole not knowing what’s going to happen next
But willingly accepting the food and drink when you arrive at the bottom because the instructions make sense
Then standing there happily amongst the madness, as thoughts float past my peripheral consciousness and I only choose time to abide a few
There I find the ringing in my ears
Somewhere in the back alleyways of my neural pathways lingers the derivative trail that lead me to this
Remembering every minor detail makes for a hard hit
Like, how can I even begin to feel like I’ve lived when, fate granted, there’s so much more living to do
Yet consistently I find myself unsatisfied and just admitting that could shatter me like faulted glass
Finding that I am unable to commit to anything that might give me peace
As reality sets in and the deafening staccato of my pulse subsides only to the ringing in my ears and a sharp intake of air
Slowly I slip into those bedraggled alleyways willing diving after my own white rabbit
And I indulge in all that I should ignore
Sometimes it’s just simpler to resign to numbing myself and running as fast as I can towards the unknown instead of doing what makes sense
Slowing down and actually living, instead of slipping past afraid of consequence, actually learning
And setting down roots, learning like a tree, reaching for all the sunken un-glorified grit grounded around the warren
Instead of losing myself in it, finding the history of it
The real wisdom that lies not in the finessed final structure, but in the rough draft of the supports
Not in the uplifting or the appealing artistry, but in the dejected ignorance we have in making all the details we disapprove of disappear
Into this I finally clumsily crash
My skin flaking away leaving rounded scars because it can’t stretch enough to take the stress
I let the numbness recede to sweet pain that ultimately ebbs the ringing in my ears and keeps me here a little longer
If only for me to come to realize that Alice did not take a nice trip to wonderland
She voluntarily dove head first into hell

So viola!!! My first poem with accompanying audio! I hope you all enjoy it!

Yesterday

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how often I live in retrospect instead of in the moment. Not that it’s a bad thing. Because to write and write well you often have to go back into a lot of things. Over and over again you have to remember feelings both terrible and elating in order to put voice into your work. And that’s good but for some it can also be stunting in that we stay there too long because it’s easy to do.

I think most writers I know will agree with me in that we spend A LOT of time in our own heads. It’s necessary to our craft. And for the most part it’s fine. Except when you’ve worked hard to get over things and just thinking about them to write an eloquent poem can leave you stuck in mood. It’s hard to separate from the past, especially when it’s easier to remember the bad things in it over the good things.

To say it’s our experiences that make us who we are. That hardships only make us stronger and wiser in the end, is true. But trauma is a real thing, and the human mind is far from simple. Quite a lot of people can nestle into that trauma and stay a while. And it’s hard, VERY hard, to get yourself out of it some days. And some days writing helps, others it does just the opposite and perpetuates that horrid mindset.

Lately that’s where I’ve been. In that dark, dank, unlovely corner of my mind. I really don’t like it there. But sometimes visiting it is almost comfortable. And lately writing certainly hasn’t helped. So I’m putting my foot down today and letting go of some things. I’m done with hiding in the past for awhile. It may mean a few less new poems for the near future. But that’ll give me time to make videos of some already written ones.
And to make some good art in other ways. So that’s that for now. Rant over and here’s a short poem to sum it up if you didn’t want to bother to read all that preceded it. Cheers.

Yesterday

There’s a danger in this
In putting myself in the past again
Sinking into my memories
Even for a second
To find the right way to describe them
But for a mind on the borderline
Just pausing a moment too long
May rip up my vital signs
Leaving me flatlined
Skulking in the back logged feelings
I’m supposed to have moved on from
It’s almost toxic and alluring
Not that it’s enjoyable
But that’s the underlying potential
To lay back into the arms
Of something I know
Of something that’s sickening but comfortable
What it leads to though may stop me
A self destruction of all my hard work
To remember to smile and laugh
To move on and grow
To live in the moment
And let myself enjoy it
To not sit languishing in the past
Even if it only happened yesterday

SCARED

it’s that Sudden Shiver
that Starts in my heart
Shoots out into my Stomach and arms
then Slowly Sinks to my toes
Seeping like poison to my fingertips
as i Shake it Stops

giving way to what feels like emptiness

all that’s left is Cold
Contempt rising in me
from my lack of Caution
for not Creating enough barricades
to Callus my heart enough
to keep me from Cracking up

because feeling like this is the last thing i want

i Already know what happens next
no Alibi can keep me from heartbreak
it’s Ache beginning to fill me
like All my previous misgivings
like every person telling me Allegedly
that hope is easily Available

none of what they say is believable

because i know that Redemption Rarely comes
for the Reclusive and lonely
i’ve spent my life Reaching for it
only to be sent Reeling back into solitude
my Reaction to let everything overwhelm me
Readily accepting my Resigned luck

it’s only a matter of time before i give this up

as Eclipsing as an Ending
that Encompasses Everything imaginable
leaving nothing of my Emotions
the remaining only an Etching
of an Existence that’s clutching
to the last of it’s Expectations

i’m beginning to let the poison take

Devoid of what i thought important
my mind Desperate for rest
from Dealing with all my messes
and Drudging through all my mistakes
Disgusted by my own thoughts
yet willing to let them Deceive me

it’s no wonder I’m scared to let myself love

Low Expectations

I’ve fought for a lot of things
Things I’m proud of
Things I’m not
I’ve let go of a lot
And held onto so much more
Somehow I’ve kept myself afloat this long
Only to find that there’s more to want

In hearing your heart beat
Feeling your chest rise and fall
Your breath so close in time to mine
Being held without fear of what comes next
My thoughts fall silent for the first time
As if life’s rhythm has found it’s rhyme
A piece I never thought was missing

Something else to fight for
Something else to hold on to
Something else to want
Something else to disappoint me

Little Renegade

So here is an updated version of “Little Renegade.” Initially I felt like it wasn’t finished but I posted it anyway. Today I felt like I had found the missing pieces of it. So here it is!

Insatiable Insomniac

So here is my latest. Again something a bit different. Enjoy:)

You’re tired of running little renegade
You’ve been pushed to the brink of sanity
You’re tired of crying little renegade
You’ve been prodded to the breaking point
Past everything you thought might shatter you

You’ve only known a world in constant shift
You’re a wanderer, a dreamer, a brash heart
You keep peace inside yourself on brighter days
And wale, face upturned towards dark skies on the rest

Like the rolling in of thunder clouds
And the static in the air just before a storm
I’ve watched your life little renegade
Tumultuous and jaded more than most
I’ve seen your soul unleashed little renegade
Though you think you’ve kept it reined in close
As close as lightning strikes searing it’s target to the core

You push yourself harder when you feel alone
Energy as shocking as electricity behind your…

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