To Think

Here’s my latest. I’ve worked really hard on getting this one just right. And I’m out of breath from repeating it out loud so many times. So Enjoy!:)

To think I ever thought of
Being anything but a dreamer.
I’ve pushed myself past days
That I hated more than anything.
I’ve forced myself to fit in.
To be a contributing member of society.

I have a job, pay taxes, I’m social.
I have a masters degree in bullshit.
As in bullshitting myself into thinking
That this all makes me happy.
It doesn’t.

I’m only happy on the days
That require nothing but breathing.
Just being and feeling light.
The nights when silence pulls me
Out of my mind, out of sleep and linear time.

To remind me of meaningless lines
I love to write so much.
The quiet moments of deep thought.
The frantic searching of my vocabulary
For just the right word to describe the emotions of my reality.

The moments when the
Creation of something unique
Becomes the only focus of my energy.
When passion flows out of my soul and ignites my words
With something indescribable.

And the moments when I have courage enough
To share them with people.
Dropping my guard, bearing my heart
Not caring for opinions.
Just wanting you to listen.
Even for a second.

And yet I still try to live beneath
The mask I’ve made myself grow to fit.
I work at achieving what I have been
Taught to believe is success.

But what it boils down to is a rat race
That’s a lost cause because I can’t keep pace.
With this drumming and this seemingly
Never ending chokehold on my freedom.
My thoughts careening down a chasm that I fear I will never be able to breach.

But I need to stop.
I need to remember the little girl
With stars in her eyes while reading her first novel.
The little girl who found glee in
Discovering words she had never heard before.
The little girl who would never set limits.

The little girl who sees me in the mirror and says;
To think I ever thought of
Being anything but a dreamer.

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One thought on “To Think

  1. Another fine piece! The sporadic rhyme scheme keeps things fresh and definitely gives me a spoken word feeling. As if the stanzas should be read in one or two breaths (how it reads out in my mind, and thus how I read it out).

    “But what it boils down to is a rat race/That’s a lost cause because I can’t keep pace
    With this drumming and this seemingly/Never ending chokehold on my freedom.”
    This rings true to me, and I’m drawn back to it over and over. Its poetic without too many frills. Your pieces are often peppered with little treats like this.

    “The nights when silence pulls me/Out of my mind, out of sleep and linear time.
    To remind me of meaningless lines/I love to write so much.”
    These lines stand out on the page, like they were made to be together. I would go as far as to say it saddens me to see them apart.

    Another instance of this is stanzas 1-2:
    “To be a contributing member of society. (<- cliche! I'd like to see this in your diction)
    I have a job, pay taxes, I'm social./I have a masters degree in bullshit.”

    It feels like they deserve each other, both in more than just cohesiveness (to reiterate, “To be…/To keep a job, to pay taxes, to be social”). Something to bring them all together.

    “When passion flows out of my soul and ignites my words…”
    I feel like this line is among the strongest in the piece, but also a missed opportunity.
    “…and ignites my words…” like what? I think explosion, I think mushroom cloud, I think lighting a barbecue with the gas turned up too high—I think imagery. So tell me, whats it like?

    Fine work as always, so please keep the writing coming!
    ~GMcG

    PS: I leave you this as a closing note, just another tidbit that pops out on the page to me.

    To Society,
    I doesn’t.
    I’m time.

    To Reality,
    The indescribable!
    And second and success.
    But breach, but limits the dreamer.

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