On those days

on those days when my head is spinning
too much a fool to reveal my feelings
too tired to try and shake empty reasoning
on those days when I lose sensation
I try to find it in the dumbest places
I let my morals drown in false religions
on those days when I can’t keep breathing
too much a coward to see the ending season
too deep to know there’s still a chance of living
on those days I’m too far gone to be believing
I try to hard to fake just one more escape
I turned too far back to fix my mistakes
on those days I remember what’s missing
too good of a love for my broken heart
too precious of a peace to return my control
on those days when I have none at all

Viola! My latest late night mumblings. Enjoy:)

To Think

Here’s my latest. I’ve worked really hard on getting this one just right. And I’m out of breath from repeating it out loud so many times. So Enjoy!:)

To think I ever thought of
Being anything but a dreamer.
I’ve pushed myself past days
That I hated more than anything.
I’ve forced myself to fit in.
To be a contributing member of society.

I have a job, pay taxes, I’m social.
I have a masters degree in bullshit.
As in bullshitting myself into thinking
That this all makes me happy.
It doesn’t.

I’m only happy on the days
That require nothing but breathing.
Just being and feeling light.
The nights when silence pulls me
Out of my mind, out of sleep and linear time.

To remind me of meaningless lines
I love to write so much.
The quiet moments of deep thought.
The frantic searching of my vocabulary
For just the right word to describe the emotions of my reality.

The moments when the
Creation of something unique
Becomes the only focus of my energy.
When passion flows out of my soul and ignites my words
With something indescribable.

And the moments when I have courage enough
To share them with people.
Dropping my guard, bearing my heart
Not caring for opinions.
Just wanting you to listen.
Even for a second.

And yet I still try to live beneath
The mask I’ve made myself grow to fit.
I work at achieving what I have been
Taught to believe is success.

But what it boils down to is a rat race
That’s a lost cause because I can’t keep pace.
With this drumming and this seemingly
Never ending chokehold on my freedom.
My thoughts careening down a chasm that I fear I will never be able to breach.

But I need to stop.
I need to remember the little girl
With stars in her eyes while reading her first novel.
The little girl who found glee in
Discovering words she had never heard before.
The little girl who would never set limits.

The little girl who sees me in the mirror and says;
To think I ever thought of
Being anything but a dreamer.